is it worth $8?

So this happened to me recently at a new job I had, i’m going to just be as honest as I can with my feelings and thoughts. I’ve only told a few people after I realized it was strange, doubting myself heavily for one reason – they typically scheduled the dishwashers for 7 hour shifts not 6. Though I just got shivers thinking about how aware of the clock I was.. anyways i’ll start from the beginning.

So its this place called Crowne Plaza Phoenix – Chandler Golf Resort. I applied for 3 different positions before getting the call to be a steward, the worst possible outcome – especially after finding out at the interview its $8/hr. I’ll admit.. I was first aware of this hotel’s existence, which is as old as the founding of chandler itself, (May 17, 1912) after searching online for haunted places around Phoenix Arizona. Working in a hotel before I knew what to expect, or so I thought.

This was probably the worst job I ever had, although with the pretense of having serving shifts. Besides the pay, the equipment, the slow drudgery I would leave work feeling drained. Not just physically, emotionally too after getting frustrated easy which is unusual for me. It was unusual fatigue too for what I did.

My co-workers we’re really weird. I do not say that lightly as a dork/weirdo either. Also apparently the last steward was fired because he got into a fight. On my training day the Lead Steward who i’ll call Julius here didn’t introduce himself as shift lead position but just trained me. He also has something wrong with his face, after asking politely if he burned it he said its something he doesn’t like talking about so I guess its something that is not temporary. It looks like a layer of his face on both cheeks is falling off. I can look eye to eye with people and not get distracted, one time he wasn’t talking to me though and I looked close, there was hair coming from beneath the lower layer and it was the only time I got grossed out. It could remind one of a zombie in pop culture. I found out he was my lead steward when I took a break and in the break room there was a plaque he got last month from being an awesome worker which even in I can attest too. I saw a strong aura of light on his plaque which I took as a clue. (to something i’m not sure of? I’ve seen aura since I started meditating and asking to see) That was bright and around all corners of it and not on the other plaques in the room. Hes a great worker, albeit sometimes short with orders and quick to cuss. “that shit” he would mutter after giving an order. It wasn’t all the time however and he would apologize quick after as if it slipped, which I could understand as I found myself on the edge, edgy, most of the time too.

The other co-worker was a 40 year old or more man who has some cognitive issue that I was unable to discern. Older people and/or mentally handicapped people working low wage jobs like stewarding are common in cooperate environments because they need benefits like healthcare. I’ll call him Dan here…. He would be able to respond with simple sentences after you gave him a few seconds to respond. Nice fellow.

The first day was uneventful, getting trained, being told how to do the same stuff I know how to do. etc. However I found it interesting something opened in my awareness and motioned to come into the dark empty walk-in fridge that doesn’t have a door on it anymore and is no longer being used. I can describe this best as seeing a movement of a singular point the size of a bee stretching out into a line moving toward the dark empty space that used to be a walk-in. I interpreted this as something wanting me to stand in there while sweeping the floor. I also saw the same sort of thing go from the dark walk-in outwards toward the kitchen moments after.

After feeling drained, feeling like the job was an exercise in futility (BUT WHAT IS LIFE?) I was happy to go home after only 6 hours of work! Working from 1pm-7pm I could watch the Diamondback game on TV. I took some potato skins and ordures with me that were left over from a banquet that night. When I was leaving as the sun was setting a black cat was sitting by a truck at the edge of the parking lot on the sidewalk by the hotel. When I noticed it and made eye contact it instantly darted away from me.

I felt heavily drained that Thursday night, in fact I feel asleep for most of the baseball game. Now I don’t know if its the chicken or the egg, the cause or effect but that night I started researching spirit attachment and the effects of it. I found a website about an eastern perspective on it which I read for a few hours. That night sleep paralysis came onto me which has not happened for 2 months and I willed it to stop because I was not comfortable. I didn’t see anything but I felt if I stayed in it something was materializing above me. So I stopped myself from having that experience.

This does not always bother me.. the last time I had sleep paralysis was in the morning and I saw an almost doll like figure flying above me and it felt familiar-something friendly, so I said “I like you” and followed through with that experience. Later that morning I found out the friendliest lady I ever met, a close friend died the previous day, I do not see this as coincidence – that’s another story though.

So Friday morning I willed myself to get up and fake being excited for work to try and get over these bad vibes I might be making up in my head.. that content feeling having an occupation and putting positive affirmations toward it. It just did not stick though which is unusual even through the terrible jobs I’ve been in.

I get there 9am and I see that same black cat as i’m coming up toward the building, its siting under a truck at the same place if not near it. It meows a friendly cute meow at me to which I can’t help but speak in a non-threatening voice so that cat may have some sense i’m a life loving human. The black cat ran off, which I kind of expected.

So I get there and Dan has been there since 7am grinding slowly away. Julius has been working away to, working with shipping orders mostly. I get caught up on all the dishes that have gotten backed up and grab some food. Ate a lot of eggs for the protein, and some desert because it was available. I had desert snacks the previous night too.

I proceed to clean the break room, full of people who I waited to finish having a break so I wouldn’t be cleaning to just get it dirty again. I didn’t talk to any of them, I usually get to know my co-workers. At this point my attitude was bad and I was thinking about walking out. Seeing as I took perhaps 10 mins to long to complete sweeping moping and sanitizing the tables Julius came up to check on me and told me how to sweep faster.. He also told me not to wear headphones because the Chef doesn’t like that but he(Julius) doesn’t care. I mentioned before, hes short to say things and is a little bossy. For instance i’ll stand around after he tells me something and he will say “and I mean now” 5 seconds after he tells me. I wouldn’t usually be bothered by this because I would normally think hes just getting used to being in a leader position for the first time, though I find it strange nonetheless.

I go back downstairs and Julius shows me where to grab cup racks from in the basement, I had to bring them upstairs through an old ass elevator and then to the banquet hallway. Healthcode btw putting some on the floor instead of a rack holder with wheels. So I do that and get caught up with dishes again. At this point I talk to HR about how I don’t like the job, when I was leaving the room she said “dont give up on us”…

It’s about noon right now with nothing to do so I ask Dan in the dish area if he knows when we leave. Hes foaming at the mouth(first time I saw him do that) when he responds and he asks when I leave. I then realize we will not leave at the same time. I ask when he got here. He said 7am and he leaves at 1pm, a 6 hour shift. I leave it at that and walk around trying to find something to do. I ask at some point a chef if he needs help, still nothing to do.

I go outside to the break area to chill, thinking about walking out or not. Julius comes out eventually with the time clipboard asking if I want to take a break, I tell him i’m already on it. I just had deja vu while typing this. I’m trying to quit smoking, at least in the workplace but I couldn’t help but ask a lady to bum a cigarette out there. I decide to stay….

I go back inside and see Dan still working around 12:50. The previous day he left on the dot he was scheduled so I figure he would leave soon. I thought about saying goodbye but I did not. I walk downstairs to relieve myself of a foul feeling stomach, the restroom is on the basement level. I walk down there around 12:54 or 12:56. There is no phone reception so I can’t browse the internet on my phone while doing the dirty. However I pull my phone out because, i’m sorry for the gross details, it was going to take a while. My phone says 2:04pm on it, I question it because I know in this shitty autonomous job, that I was looking between my phone and the clock on the wall in the kitchen – it should be around 1pm. I tell myself it must be my phone thinking we are on daylight savings or something once it lost reception. I proceed to read a cashed page of facebook earlier, it was a thread where I posted earlier something REALLY aggressive about Hillary Clinton to Hillary Clinton supporters who I do not know and I read the all the posts beforehand. Its rare for me to get angry at politics like that but it was a strange day..

I go up stairs and find out the clock on the wall says 2pm as well now. An hour passed in the time I walked downstairs, I can’t believe it. If an hour passed so close to an hour, not an hour and 30 mins or an hour and 17 minutes or anything it must be my human error. I’m still thinking to myself WHAT THE FUCK though so I go to check the clock in logs which are done on a clipboard here. Dan left at 2pm and he signed it with beautiful cursive writing. I check the schedule and it says he was supposed to leave at 2pm as well. WTF? Although I checked the schedule yesterday but I didn’t store in my memory Dan’s hours. However I remember clear that he said he was going to leave at 1pm and that it was clearly 12:50 before I walked downstairs.

The fucking food was still sitting out too still because the walk-in freezer racks were full. I don’t know if anyone noticed this skip of time I perceived, I couldn’t bring myself to ask. However Julius asked me where I was… I asked him when he was referring too. He said just now, I was looking for you. I simply responded I was in the bathroom 10 minutes ago and he walked away… the chefs were acting and talking excited and energized more then earlier for some reason. Some were quiet.

So its kinda cool how an hour passed on without going through it or doing anything of substance. For me, the job is not worth Eight dollars an hour, even if I can get a free hour of work. Deciding i’m far enough to finish the shift to not walk out I spend the rest of my shift until 4pm (7 hour shift on paper) cleaning floors and talked to the F&B manager about how I don’t like it, he said he would help me in the future. The (other) FoH manager left early because she was feeling sick. I contemplate telling the Chef that I didn’t want to come in the next night(saturday) because closing and opening sunday morning would suck and I wanted to see a band (the zenith passage who I found out the next day canceled anyways) that next night.

Eventually my shift relief came in around 3:50~ and I went to sign out. The chef came up to me and was very talkative about me being there tomorrow, I didn’t have the heart to say much to him though. The HR lady also said he was excited for me to work there, I liked that chef a lot when he interviewed me he said he could offer job opportunities (cooking) that my previous employer could not. So I felt bad knowing I would not come through for him saying nothing about how I felt time skip either. Also when I left Hillary Clinton was speaking live on the Radio in Chicago.

When I left I sat in my SUV for a little while, I cried a little too because the past 3 years have been a mix of trying to find a good place to work and having trouble holding a job. The hotel I worked at 3 years ago, where I worked for a year, I lost in a very degrading way which was my fault. In a way I saw this job at the san marcos as a way for me to redeem those aspirations I had at the other hotel I worked at in the past – I was so close to a promotion there.

The next day I brought sage and copal resin to a desert rave that came up. My friend wyatt told me about it and that the band I wanted to see canceled. I decided to go and practically quit my job. My friend Mo was there too, she listened to me and what happened at the hotel. I love her for that, most people would definitely think i’m nuts for believing time skiped like that. I love her for much more too, like the sageing she did with the herb I brought for people. If you are unaware it is believed that sage has cleansing properties, I felt like I really needed it that night. Yet there was still disquiet within.

———-
end of original reddit post I made
———-

that was a dark night, especially considering I’ve realized recently the initiation towards the night. That which encompasses the “dark night of the soul” is eternal, its an ever expanding realm of initiation. Some see it as something you go through, some pass the abyss. For me and others though it is truly a cycle of day and night.

In-Most Faculties are Natural

its actually true as in it will work to break the state, I know this and I will share my personal accounts recently. When the mind (or mine at least) is in that strange state and can barely form full thoughts, out of instinct my mind picks a choice word or words to recant for a familiar sense, perhaps one of security.
For me lately its not necessarily out of security from this experience but for trusting the depths of my subconsciousness..For most it is probably fear of the experience and praying to save it from it, in the end focusing a specific thought on one thing with break you out of the trance – which is detrimental for the practicing occultist or even mystic.

Whats ironic though is that while most “pray” to break this state something strange manifested in sleep paralysis too me recently… when accidentally listening to this bullshit! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DOUeCRw3q4https

I fell asleep to youtube auto play and this came up after researching parallel realities that night, I was doing so because I felt something strange around me all day ever since I work up outside my place after partying with co workers at a haunted restaurant/bar (casey moors Tempe 3 ghosts, one was raped and killed). The more I read about other dimensions I could feel and see something thicken around me. After watching some strange videos like one which is fiction im sure talk about a CERN scientist who went missing the preaching started and it happened a couple mins into the video.

I remember very vividly seeing some form of energy (translucent spectrum of colors) jump into my body FAST with my eyes half open, me half asleep while that video was playing in the background. As of late I have had close friends warn me about possession as well as a few, if only one, person who is clairvoyant/clairaudent tell me there’s a shadowy presence accompanying me. As you and me know entities that someone on the left hand path/A black magician does not view eternal entities/aspects of ourselves as something that requires banishing – but requires understanding and working with for the benefit out ourselves. (see Eudaimonia)

Anyways, as the presence jumped into me I feel into a deeper sleep paralysis state instantly- and unlike a previous experience where I instantly felt pain/ill in my stomach I wanted to experience this fully. Unfortunately I couldnt hold the state after I heard the back door of the house which was barely out of my sight banging open and close – violently and loud – over and over very fast. So what I did was the mixture of trying to raise my body up with my head and hands trying to mutter “satan” as I diddnt want to have anything to do with that preaching I was listening too while hearing/dreaming straight poltergeist activity.

I ended up leaving that state and looked up to see that back door closed and noises instantly stopped. Now, I dont believe in encapsulating a form called “satan” or would call myself satanic. Although I do love the ideals of sinister satanism. (ONA) I believe I muttered that word because I wanted to call within that inner most adversarial aspect of my psyche, as I felt uncomfortable with where I was being led by something else. Probably because my mind has been surrounded with the concept of two things, evoking entities unknown and possession as the path to omni-present power. The mix of those two at the same time im still trying to be comfortable with.

Last night I had some deep dreams, and woke up with my eyes open still in a dream like state. Out of instinct I drew of purple inverted pentagram towards where I was facing. A closet door opened up with purple light shining through.

After some amount of time I realized my ole’ cat who passed away was sitting by my shoulder. I saw a long purple disembodied hand start to stretch from the same area where cat was sitting over me. Soon another longer purple disembodied hand started to stretch around the room to the right of me.

I tried reaching out to the hand muttering the word Zelkin, the name of my departed cat. Slowly the hand receded from my grasp – I couldnt reach the hand with mine and then I woke up. I feel like it diddnt take my hand because I was muttering the word Zelkin in my head and this was an entity that may have some similarity in some way but in the end wasnt my cat. I would say that contrary to many who say entities will lie to you to let you in that if this are truly “spirits” foreign to human consciousness(I.E. not human formed egregores) you can trust these intelligence, especially if you feel they are alien to this dimension.

Now im not even trying to get into the debate of whither spirits exist without or without or psyche, for I believe our mind is betwixt and in between the world of spirits.http://www.ireadhands.com/…/8122b928546f46965f6c91c4b5f… Our self is a spirit itself.

Sleep paralysis is to me, a gate way to those deeper faculties of the mind – while can simply manifest as a lucid dream, it can also lead to experiences with supernatural forces – particularly entities.

The point I want to make is that sleep paralysis has a strong familiarity to meditative states, expect for me it is much more powerful.. and natural. Working with energies in a trace state may sound daunting to a lot of people but this is something that is in fact simple! As it is one of the deeper faculties that our mind happens naturally. Like sleep paralysis!

So trust your mind when it reaches these depths, Dont call out or distract you mind with any prayers, or words. As scary as it may be or as dark as you know your mind may get. This is a natural process that happens spontaneously, let it happen.

In Times of War

Hatred burns through and through just like passion. I was recently musing to a friend about local new age groups and how I feel so strongly the mind should be kept in check with positive affirmations that I could go all “love and light” with them. She quickly reminded me of her disgust for such things though, least somebody take advantage of your attention and affection. The world is full of people who drain you, its funny when people think it makes them something special – cute even.

One thing I have become enlightened to recently is the unnecessary techniques of psychic vamprism, for there is so much energy abundant in not only this Earth and Stars but the all manifestations in this veil has come from the same source.. o’r the abyss. To tap into this would cut the whole need for cleansing someones energy right out for the purpose of creating energy for a working. Yet… the oldest part of myself the palest blood darkened by the horror that is humanity has always felt pulled towards what myths captivate minds for centuries… While that which modern media stimulate the disgusting masses with depictions of a cute boy this generation finds romantic. Not even relateable! Tis’ but a fantasy of this generations adolescents, at least David Bowie’s film contributions I could find tolerable! As was his music. The scent of these reveal an easy prey, I smell it in their blood.

It is humanity’s inherent duty to create chaos and horror. Too rip the throat of all those who would defile this clandestine legacy. The most ancient fiends wake’! Spawned by those older then humans or perhaps mere consciousness as we know it itself. The fiends lurk in the shadows attaching themselves to those who the Elders choose to spread their influence too.

Ohhpen youself…” It came upon one right. Whhhhhispered behind my back after a sickness invaded my stomach twice. I was warned by a friend who could see the eyes burning red in the dark to not let it in, yet I can open gateways without and not within.

Ov the 3
The caught key
Was but a fee

8 Simple Steps to Forgive Even the Unforgivable

WebInvestigator.KK.org

by Christina Sarich, Contributor, Waking Times

Stopping the inner rage of unforgiveness can be easier than you think.

Are you feeling resentment? Pain? Anguish? Perhaps even fury? It doesn’t matter if your emotions are directed at the general idiocy of a government that seems bought-out by an elitist class, or a close friend or family member. It doesn’t matter if you are raging at a complete stranger on the road, in a moment that dissipates fairly quickly, or if you are dealing with years of abuse or emotional torment. Forgiveness is a spiritual act that requires us to see things differently than we do now.

It doesn’t seem to be so when we are thinking of the wrong another has done to us, or the hurt they’ve so carelessly lavished, but forgiveness can free us from even the most unforgivable acts. Many of us hold onto our anger in hopes…

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EXPERIMENTAL DOOMSTERS ESOTERIC ISSUE UPDATE ON SEVENTH FULL-LENGTH ALBUM, UPCOMING VINYL RELEASES AND BACK CATALOGUE RE-ISSUES

PATRICIA THOMAS BAND MANAGEMENT

© and All Rights Reserved Fotograf Jarle Hovda Moe

UK Experimental Doomsters ESOTERIC are hard at work on what will be the bands seventh full-length album and the follow up to 2011’s “Paragon of Dissonance”.  As the band explain, this pretty much means that for the rest of the year they will be concentrating on preparation and recording:  “We will be playing a few one-off shows and festivals, but we don’t intend to take part in any tours this year as we want our main focus to be on the album. If all goes to plan we hope to complete the writing by the end of 2015. The cycle continues…”

The departure last year of keyboard player Jan Krause has not affected the ability of the line up of Gordon Bicknell on Guitar,  Mark Bodossian on Bass,  Greg Chandler on Guitar and Vocals,  Joe Fletcher on Drums, and  Jim Nolan…

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Shallow Shores

Upon sight of this sea of seas many stand stagnant on the shore. They stare blinded by a mist. With hearts towards the abyss some know the way perhaps in their minds some are lost. It seems quite simply to me, there is one way to explore this unknown and that is to voyage west and leave the dabblers, gurus or armchair magicians behind. Most of all I despise dogma and ignorance and wish to leave it far behind. I tire of those who find truth from a source be it a text or revelation and feel the need to teach or tell others grasping a sense of power. Also of those who sleep among the flock.

I don’t wish to voyage alone and thus I prepare, what are you prepared to leave behind?

Turning Away from the Narrow

There are many mental refuges for the quiet, introverted, witchery etc. Music, fiction and working objectively to create change of the mind are my favorite. Why would one need a place to go and think though? When surrounded by positive, “loving” people? In the hearts of so many I have encountered (myself included) hidden away in the bright, or perhaps dark, passion – contempt for these thoughts. Even scorn for how I feel.

It disgusts me how feelings of kinship can constrict the flow of ones blood. Even those I wouldn’t consider a brother or sister can change my outlook on society, even intelligent adventurous people. Those who venture their whole lives may sometimes never be open to the idea of understanding one another.

Where lies the beauty of World, of Cosmos, if one cannot accept the beauty of Worlds outside their own? Does it lie only in their worldview? Perhaps they accept scientific notions of physics and see the laws that govern our universe. Maybe they even believe in currents outside this physical realm or mind as well! The beauty lies in the mind.

I can tolerate when people don’t see the light in an individuals eye when they perceive the lightning strike. Ive come to understand the thunder that follows along with darkness.

It shines through thy minds eye. It dies with discontent, this beauty, found in the mystery. It decays even though surrounded by a thriving world. In absence of storms lightning still strikes.
Those who appreciate this spark may find whatever illumination they seek, I am open to their shallow understanding. I can even take keep of the lighthouse that shines over these shallow shores. That doesn’t mean that I appreciate it.

Is darkness the canvas of light?